God,
I don’t know how I got here.
I don’t know where I’m going.
I don’t know what or where You are.
I don’t know who or why I am.
Let’s start on that last one
together.
Verse
I wake in winter
I wake in winter ten till four,
Ascend the stairs to start the fire,
Subdue a spark of hope for more
Than cold endured, a hand for hire.
I need a shock, no hint will do.
If feet could speak, with sound reprised
They’d shirk in word my fears anew—
They live like deer, and die surprised.
Afraid of death, from life estranged,
In flight from fact, left meek and mild,
The ox which once grew strong and ranged
Amid the wild goes cowed, beguiled.
The pleas for peace are made in war
Which none will win; to win’s to die
And live with loss across the door
Where one is true and pairs the lie.
I wake in winter ten till five,
Descend the stairs to light the fire:
The twigs ignite, the flame survives,
Returns to fan the heart’s desire.
“Evangelists Keep Knockin’ On My Door”
Evangelists keep knockin’ on my door
Askin’ me what I am living for
I say, ‘for the money and the fame
I’ve tried to live for love, but love’s a game’
There’s something here I still don’t understand
I’m not at sea, but there’s still no sight of land
Seems to me the moon knows when to weep
Where’s the savior here who’ll lead these sheep?
Melancholy crashes like a storm
I’m too alone to pretend to heed the norm
Sky’s about to crack open and explode
The tears and planes will fall, and every hand will fold
Heart’s so weary and the soul’s age-old
Ev’ry time I stay here it all gets cold
I hear how sorrow makes room to grow
But there’s no room for me here, so it’s time to go
She held me under water in a bay
Said she never knew no other way
I gasped for air, then asked her out again
She said one day she’ll change, I guess I’ll leave her then
Come and take these shadows off my wall
Come and catch me from my next great fall
World outside looks like it won’t improve
I’m lookin’ for an insecure beauty to ask me if I approve
Sky’s so dark, the mind is so damn full
This time in the city’s already taking its toll
Can I please have a second away from noise?
Can I for once forget to pretend that I have poise?
Why in hell do these words never stop?
Why don’t I just pick up broom and mop?
I know I’d dust off every window sill
The emptier I feel, the more these words don’t fill
Well, even the trees, you know they stand alone
And even the asphalt here, you can hear it groan
This place was never meant for the likes of me
The echo I must heed, it calls me back to sea
“Nothin’ To Say”
The day has ended, but the cars do not cease
I sit at this desk, wondrin’ if anyone is at peace
I feel so far away from the only one I ever knew
I sense tragedy ahead, but what else can I do?
I need to move on, I got nothin’ to say
To stay’s to wither, and let the soul decay
The heart’s a labyrinth, the mind’s a black hole
You can get trapped in either, lose sight of the whole
To capture the foal soon to grow into a magnificent steed
You’ve got to go after what you want, and know what you need
I need to move on, I got nothin’ to say
To stay’s to wither, and let the soul decay
There’s never enough time, and something is always lacking
You’re not hungry, you’re not cold, but loneliness is attacking
In the heat of the summer, everyone’s ravaged by lust
Like a self-propelled incinerator, about to combust
I’ve got to get outta here, I got nothin’ to say
To stay’s to wither, and let the soul decay
Must my skin be touched for my passion to manifest?
Can I not touch it within, where the heart finds its zest?
What can I do when this restlessness never leaves me?
What song can I sing when even singing grieves me?
All I can do is move on, I got nothin’ to say
To stay’s to wither, and let the soul decay
Let me find a quiet place where I can think and chop wood,
Where I can feel the peace of morning, and say that it is good,
Where the fires that now consume me, can lead me to the light,
Where the one thing I’ll never touch, calls to me through the night
I hear the call to move on, I know there’s nothin’ to say
To stay here’s to wither, and let the soul decay
“Before Dawn I Tremble”
Face feels hollow, chest collapsed in
Lines appearing through my sallow skin
Who’d want to pass these traits to their next of kin?
Before dawn I tremble
Terror returns like wind with a shiver
Let it be or flee, float down the river
Each man carries a message to deliver
Mid-morning I crumble
A race paced for impending fall
Heard the breeze in the trees, heard the call
As a chill ran up my crooked spine
I asked her how she was, she just said, ‘fine.’
The sounds of sirens remote and aligned
With the ghostly whimpers I’ve left behind
What is the thing I was born to find?
At high noon I question
In times mindlessly mundane
Callous jesters feebly entertain
Thoughts of weeping to the falling rain
After noon I envision
The thunder rumbles on inside
No one can see, there’s nowhere to hide
The emptiness remains, within and around
Hidden weight takes you to the ground
Neither soft nor easy, often I writhe
Faces around me look unworried and blithe
The women are graceful, lovely and lithe
In the evening I envy
The one I thought was The One she knocked
On the door to tell me I wasn’t, I locked
The door to ease my heart, it balked
At midnight I cry out
“Below Her, Another Self”
Below her, there is another self, the self she searches for,
But will she ever learn to receive, to let the other open the door?
She searches for one to save the self she wishes she could leave
How long in her loveliness must she search ‘till soul and body cleave?
She and I, we once were one, but split apart like conjugal twins
Racked with the pain of Catholic guilt, she asked pardon for her sins
“Pardon me,” she spoke in French, “je pense you’ve lost your sense,
Forgive my greater intelligence, I’m sorry you are so dense.”
So that was that, the thing was done, I wept and laughed by turns
Though many years have come and gone, the sting of loss still burns
A friend told me he met her in Japan, working as a geisha
If he had the choice—Cat’s Claw or her—he said he’d choose the Acacia
Below her, there was another self, and that self eluded my reach
Like silence in the city, like a distant island from the rocky beach
She was like Nietzsche: she hated to follow, and she hated to lead
She could live with very little, for to be herself was her only need
If I cannot be with her, at least let me find her likeness
I’m nowhere near midlife, so why am I always in crisis?
By the cypress trees, I feel the breeze touch me, like a long-lost soul
Touches a lover, desperate to feel the sensation of being whole
In a time of silence and waiting, I waited for a moment too long
Since my body lacked clear weakness, I was praised for being strong
In the darkest moment of the shortest day, I awoke to the nature of light
By the bark of the oak tree in the shade, I decided to rest for the night
I long to be at ease with another, the way I used to be with her
Alone together, we remained ourselves, neither needing to defer
Below her, there was another self, and such beauty is far above words
I hope she is free, free and unfettered, that her spirit soars with the birds
“Hard Hot Summer Blues”
Well, I’ve been walkin’ down the city street
July heat’s been makin’ me sweat
I’ve been walkin’ down the city street
July heat’s been makin’ me sweat
Tryin’ not to look at a single face
Every glance bears the hint of a threat
The hard heat of the sidewalk
It burns the soles of your shoes
Yeah, the hard heat of the city
It burns the soles of your shoes
And the hole in my soul man it’s burnin’
From these hard hot summer blues
Well, I’m walkin’ down the city street
Lookin’ for a place to dance
Well, I’m walkin’ in the merciless city
Just lookin’ for a place to dance
Longing for a mystic gypsy woman
To put me in a walking trance
The nights are torrid and lonesome
And the passion is never real
Nights so torrid and lonesome
And the passion never real
I’ve got a need to dance my way
Through these feelings as strong as steel
Walkin’ down the city street
Burnin’ the soles of my shoes
I’m walkin’ down the city street
Holes in the soles of my shoes
My soul is hungry, a hungry ghost
With these hard hot summer blues
“The Day The Music Ends”
I dance to move into the stillness,
To lose the thing that must be lost,
To choose to live, to thrust my self
To where trust counts for more than cost.
I caught something, I catch it each time
I dance in time to music that never ends.
Yet why when silence returns, do I fall apart?
Why when the body stops moving, does the heart
Fill with sorrow and grief, with the tragic jewels
That adorn the dances of sages and magic fools?
The heart fills with what always returns,
And until I am empty, will I always yearn?
In the silence of this movement, lend me a moment,
Turn to me, Lady of rhythmic serenity,
Lend me the key to see into your heart,
The gift that shatters what it later mends,
The soul still dancing when the music ends.
I dance to admit the gift, and to give it,
To give the thing that gripped is lost,
To live at last, be stripped of self,
Throw off that whip at any cost.
I held something, I hold it each time
I loosen my hold on what holds me under,
On thunder road I forget myself and stagger,
I trip over my feet, and a man with a dagger
Wakes me at sunrise on solsbury hill;
I look into his eyes as he goes in for the kill.
I have no things, and I have no home,
And until I find her, I will always roam
In this movement of silence, through the noise with the word:
I will write, and I will dance; my voice will be heard.
I will search for the key to see into her heart,
The gift that shatters what it later mends,
The soul still dancing when the music ends.
I dance to turn my sorrows inside out,
To earn the thing that has always been lost,
To learn how to move within my doubt,
Spin closer to the thing that has no cost.
I felt something, I feel it each time
The music takes my feet away from me.
I cannot say what it is that keeps touching me,
Or why I move like some demon is clutching me,
Or why when I return to the silence of my room,
I hurt like a man dragged by his hair into her tomb.
I will die someday, and who knows if these words will endure?
They may stay unread, unsung and obscure,
But the unsung can still sing, can still dance in their way,
So when the last hour strikes, on the day before decay,
I pray I have found the key to see into her heart,
I pray the gift that had shattered has healed, and transcends
And that the soul still dances the day the music ends.
“Take From Me This Need to Flee”
When she looks away from me, my heart’s encased in ice
The moment her gaze returns to me, I’d take her worst advice
This dependence forms a bed of coals, it walls me off from her
Take from me this need to flee, take me back to how we were
The fire within, it needs a way out, and so I write these words
To find the way, I need to be led, at least that’s what I’ve heard
I’ve got no new solution, all my problems, they always recur
Take from me this need to flee, take me back to how we were
I always see her from across the street, walking the other way
She always pretends I don’t exist, to my undying dismay
Today I swore I would enjoy my time, the entire day was a blur
Take from me this need to flee, take me back to how we were
Far I traveled to a lonely isle, to leave all my troubles behind
All I found was a mermaid lover to caress me then rob me blind
My friends they tell me to take it easy, and man I wish that could occur
Take from me this need to flee, take me back to how we were
She’s never so alone, she told me, as when she’s out in a crowd
Her soul is pure, she rarely speaks; to be true she cannot be loud
I think of her from time to time, and can feel my heartstrings stir
Take from me this need to flee, take me back to how we were
The thirst for liquor is a thirst for spirit, this I know deep in my blood
On thorn-filled trails I’ve tripped and stumbled till my face was caked with mud
I’ve drank away my share of days, like Kerouac at Big Sur
Take from me this need to flee, take me back to how we were
Other people: that’s hell, wrote a man skilled at expressing his own
On many days I agree with him, and wish I were miles from a phone
But I know I’m slipping when I start thinking that others can only deter
Take from me this need to flee, take me back to how we were
Well, the snare was set, and I walked in, thinking the trap a boon
The one I love she loves another, though in my arms she once did swoon
I’ve walked the sands, I’ve been to sea, every shore falls short of her
Take from me this need to flee, take me back to how we were
“Down The Road of Struggle and Desire”
I walk down the road of struggle and desire
Each morning I strain to rekindle the fire
I want too much; I want nothing at all
I want to climb and then watch myself fall
What could I give you that I can call my own?
The scientists make theories, nothing is known
I know I feel too much, that’s abundantly clear
Will I ever recover? Will I ever be here?
My mind and my love, they’re ten thousand miles away
My rucksack is packed, you and I know I can’t stay
Got nowhere to go, that’s never stopped me before
My soul is on fire, blazing the path to the door
Now the door is open, time to sing Whitman’s song
Afoot and light-hearted, no journey is too long
For these rugged feet and this restless heart
That seeks to go beyond what tears it apart
Everyone’s got their own life to live
Some people take, some people give
Taken me years to know I don’t know my own name
Life’s just fear and loathing when you’re possessed of no aim
So much stays in utero, hidden and indistinct
On the day when it surfaces you begin to go extinct
Your real self exists in the unfathomable deep
The truth rests in the unseen; the seen rests asleep
I weep on the surface, in the depths I rejoice
In speech I am silent, so my soul finds its voice
One day I’ll be old and decrepit, on the sands lost and alone
Seeking solace in the sea’s power, my hand gripping a stone
No matter my age, my yearning will not leave me
Lovers will leave, and friends will deceive me
This yearning will remain with me ‘till the end
If everyone else abandons me, on her I can depend
On the gentle sands of relentless time
I stand stranded, in what I’m told is my prime
Youth is unkind when you don’t know your own name
And life is suffering when you are possessed of no aim
As dusk collapses into starless night
Everyone goes out, seeking some light
I’m already gone, don’t look for me there
To go backward is sinful, to move on is my prayer
There’s an angel and a devil in every soul on earth
To discover the former requires rebirth
The devil may be strong, but the angel is always stronger
The devil’s at the fingertips, to find the other takes longer
Am I more alone, or do I feel my aloneness more acutely?
I will endure what I must, and I will endure it resolutely
I will find what eludes me in the cities and the towns
I will keep firm on the trail, my ears alert for all sounds
As I walk down the road of struggle and desire
This town is pitch-black, this house is on fire
I go out into the night, to remember my own name
I go out, never to return, I will blow this ember into flame
